Saddle My Spikiest Winged Dragon
LIZZ: Good Knight!
KNIGHT: Yes, my Queen.
LIZZ: The royal wardrobe grows thin and I wish to ride into town to re-up on my usual adorning items.
KNIGHT: Yes, my Queen, I will prepare your carriage.
LIZZ: Please do. And call ahead to Victoria's Secret, alert them of my arrival, and have them bring forth an array of undergarments large in size and black in hue.
KNIGHT: Of course, my--
LIZZ: And when I say black in hue I don't mean little rhinestone covered stripe-jobs with the words "special little fairy" scrolled across them in gilded dots. I'm a grown ass woman and when I say black I mean black. Blacker than the infinite pool of the iris of Death himself, blacker than the foul hearts of the deepest demons in Hell, blacker than the sucking void of cruel lifeless outermost space.
KNIGHT: Yes, my Leigh.
LIZZ: And make sure that the garments are laid out upon the tables for me to peruse at leisure. I will not be reduced to searching through the bottommost drawer like a sow before a trough of panties. What cruel joke it is that the large sizes are continuously placed nearest the ground? Is it not true that women who seek out the smaller sizes are also smaller in stature and thus closer to the Earth? Why must a woman of my majestic size be forced to either affect a crouch-like pose adopted only by master yogis and practitioners of the more boring forms of S and M? Or, worse yet, be forced to crawl around the rosy armoires on my hands and knees like a beast of the field?!
KNIGHT: I know not why stores are designed this way, my Queen...
LIZZ: It is an outrage! Find the man responsible for this flaw in retail display and have him executed immediately!
KNIGHT: But your Majesty, isn't that a bit--
LIZZ: You're right! It is too lenient! Once he is executed remove his head and have my royal carpenter create one large armoire with one drawer directly at the bottom, place his head in this drawer. Then find the one that loves him most and gift it to her. This way whenever she wishes to gaze upon the decaying face of her lover she must sink to her knees and be reminded of the crimes he has committed against his Queen!
KNIGHT: ... Will that be all, your Highness?
LIZZ: I also need three pairs of tights from Uniqlo and a Sprite Zero.
KNIGHT: Your carriage shall await your ready.
LIZZ: You know what? On second thought, fuck the carriage. Saddle my spikiest winged dragon. I wish to jostle the tourists gawking at the Macy's windows with its poisonous talons.