Fun New York History

Today I learned a fun piece of New York history! 
My gym, the New York Sports Club on 23rd and Park Ave South, was actually built over an ancient Native-American burial ground! 
Yes! 
Long ago there was once a peaceful tribe who inhabited the land, they occupied their days hunting, gathering, watching VH-1 morning music videos, and bathing in the area's many natural hot springs.
Unfortunately, when a group of white explorers, looking to find their fortunes in the New World, came upon the fertile lands everything changed. 
As an act of friendship, the tribe’s chief Elliptical-That-Is-Unbroken invited the explorers to the hot springs as an offering of peace and community. Bathing in the hot waters was a communal ritual symbolizing the return to the Earthen womb within the warm embrace of Great Mother Earth’s amniotic fluid where all of humanity gestated within her sacred mud-lined uterine wall
This tribe had a very advanced knowledge of the human reproductive system.
However, the white men wanted the bountiful lands for themselves, so when they arrived at the waters they brought forth their guns and what took place next is now known as the “Great Hot Spring Massacre of 18-or-maybe-16?-Whatever-the-Fuck-”.
NOW, whenever the restless native spirits sense that one of the white devils have entered a shower and mean to enjoy the bounty of Mother Earth’s hot water and has put shampoo in her hair- THEY RAIN THEIR WRATH DOWN IN THE FORM OF ICE WATER, ANCIENT AND CURS-ED, so the pale demon’s ancestor is dowsed in a stream of water colder than the frozen hearts of their cruel race. 
The waters that once ran red with the blood of their tribe shall forever forsake all who betrayed them. 
And that is why they never have hot water and going to the gym sucks.