DOCTOR: Mz. Leiser, your results came back and... you may want to sit down.
LIZZ: What is it, Doctor? It is cancer?
DOCTOR: No, no: much worse. (long sigh) Unfortunately, you have what we call in the medical community
AMERICA: Hey Lizz, we were all going to go do something-- We were thinking either sports or theater. Thoughts?
LIZZ: Theater. Theater all the way.
AMERICA: Uh, ok, that was a pretty snap decision. Do you maybe want to think about it?
LIZZ: Oh, I thought about it. And here’s the thing,
FACEBOOK FEED: Sports! Politics! Sports! More Politics! More fucking sports!
LIZZ: What... is happening?
FACEBOOK FEED: Trump! Baseball! More Trump!
LIZZ: Oh God...
FACEBOOK FEED: DAVID'S BRIDAL WEDDING GOWN SPONSORED POST!!!
LIZZ: Am I... is this hell?
LIZZ LEISER (Caucasian, female, early 30s) and DAMIAN MARTINEZ (bi-racial Puerto Rican/Caucasian, male, mid 40s) finish a meal at a fancy restaurant, a WAITER (any ethnicity, male, ageless) approaches and instinctively hands Damian the check
LIZZ: No, no. I'll get it. Just put it on my....
(produces sparkly pink credit card with a distinctive umami scent) WomanCard(R)....
(leans low to expose rockin' boob cleavage)
WAITER: Of course.
(Waiter exits.)
LIZZ: Anyway, so I was like, sure you can pay me the lowest possible salary but what about maternity--
WAITER: Terribly sorry Madame, but it seems that your card was declined.
(LIZZ walks into store, approaches SALESPERSON)
LIZZ: Hello, can you please direct me to your black drapey sweaters?
SALESPERSON: Of course! Are you interested in our "The Media Has Convinced Me That My Body is a Horrorshow and I Must Cover Up Because I am So Ashamed" collection or do you prefer the "If I Wear This I Will Be Invisible Even Though My Voice is Super Loud" line?
ACUPUNCTURIST: Lizz, how is the severe motion sickness that I’m treating you for?
LIZZ: Oh, actually little better. But, here’s the thing: I’m not sure this is fully working. See, I ran into one of my enemies the other day and I was like, “What’s up Enemy?! How you feeling? Are you feeling any sharp pains in your sinuses and neck and also in seemingly arbitrary places along your arms and legs??!” and they were like, “No. What are you talking about?”. I think we might need to try a different approach.
ACUPUNCTURIST: Wait. How do you think acupuncture works?
TAYLOR LITTLEFIELD (30s, male, the host of a national geographic style nature show, “Littlefield’s Kingdom”) and GREGORY ARLINGTON (30s, male, a guest co-host) make their way through a dense shrubbery and come across a clearing in a park where a WOMAN quietly reads a book and eats a sandwich sitting on a park bench.
TAYLOR LITTLEFIELD: Oh my goodness! Oh, my goodness, get down, get down! Ok, now, slowly if you turn to your right- you will see- oh! Isn't she majestic?!
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