The Woman Card

LIZZ LEISER (Caucasian, female, early 30s) and DAMIAN MARTINEZ (bi-racial Puerto Rican/Caucasian, male, mid 40s) finish a meal at a fancy restaurant, a WAITER (any ethnicity, male, ageless) approaches and instinctively hands Damian the check

LIZZ: No, no. I'll get it. Just put it on my.... 
(produces sparkly pink credit card with a distinctive umami scent) WomanCard(R)....
(leans low to expose rockin' boob cleavage)
WAITER: Of course.
(Waiter exits.)
LIZZ: Anyway, so I was like, sure you can pay me the lowest possible salary but what about maternity--
WAITER: Terribly sorry Madame, but it seems that your card was declined. 
LIZZ: What? That's impossible! Did you try rubbing the magnetic strip a little because sometimes it doesn't read if you just stick it right into the machine…
WAITER: Yes, I even briefly placed my mouth on it, but the card is still coming up as declined, perhaps you have another card? 
LIZZ: Do I look like I have another card?! Damian, can you put it on your RaceCard(R)?
DAMIAN: Oh, my application was actually denied- or I think it was- it was all in Spanish so I'm not totally sure...
LIZZ: Jesus, fine. (to Waiter) I've been a card member for almost 37 years, just let me call my concierge, we'll work this out.
WAITER: Excellent, I'll give you a moment. 
(Waiter exits, Lizz dials, the call is immediate answered because WomanCard(R) is a fucking efficient company)
CONCIERGE: Hello Mz. Leiser, how may I assist you?
LIZZ: Yah, hi, I'm at a restaurant and there seems to be an issue with my card. 
CONCIERGE: Ok, let's take a look... Ok, um... Have you tried sucking a dude's dick? 
LIZZ: what?
CONCIERGE: Sometimes when you use your WomanCard(R) it helps if you do it in combination with sucking a dude's dick, like the waiter's or the restaurant owner's... 
DAMIAN: What? What's she saying?
LIZZ: She wants me to suck a dude's dick...
DAMIAN: ...like any dude...or...?
LIZZ: (waving him off) Shh!
(into phone)
...Uh, no I don't really want to do that. I just ate so...
CONCIERGE: Ok. Fine. Let me look at your spend limit.... Ah. Oh. Eee. Ok.
LIZZ: What's up?
CONCIERGE: Well, I just looked at your hotness score and you are coming up as a 7-- so this amount of spend is more of an 8 and that’s actually above your limit...But... Let me ask you this: have you gotten any hotter since you opened your card? 
LIZZ: I mean, probably not... 
CONCIERGE: Ooo! How about your ass? Is it big? Big asses weren't a thing the last time we raised your score--
LIZZ: It's more... wide…?
CONCIERGE: Ugh. No, that won't work. Hm. Ok... OK! You have accrued a TON of FemininityPointz(R), do you want to redeem them for a fit of crying while blood, blood like a river, spews forth from your vagina? That will totally cover you!
LIZZ: I don't know, man, I was saving for the next FemininityPointz(R) tier where I get to be saved first on a sinking boat...so....
CONCIERGE: Totally get that. Well, I'm so sorry Mz. Leiser, there just isn't anything we can do... 
LIZZ: Fine. Alright. 
CONCIERGE: Is there anything else I can help you with? 
LIZZ: Nope. No. Thanks for... looking into it. 
CONCIERGE: Thanks for calling WomanCard(R), where we feel your feelings and totally get you but can't actually action on any of your issues!
LIZZ: Yep. Bye. 
WAITER: Excuse me, Madame, did you find a resolution?
LIZZ: Yes. I guess I did. 
(sucks Waiter's dick)