Not Looking Like That One Girl Who is Super Skinny Disorder

DOCTOR: Mz. Leiser, your results came back and... you may want to sit down.
LIZZ: What is it, Doctor? It is cancer? 
DOCTOR: No, no: much worse. (long sigh) Unfortunately, you have what we call in the medical community "A Female Human Body" and it seems like you have contracted a case of "Not Looking Like That One Girl Who is Super Skinny". A mild case it common in most women, but your case seems to be quite advanced. 
LIZZ: Wait hold on, I've been dieting and exercising for... since I was 12, I'm actually very fit for a person who sits around on a laptop all day--
DOCTOR: That's where you went wrong, as it turns out dieting and exercise have nothing to do with the way your body looks. It's an unfortunate myth propagated by the media. You are very lucky we caught while it was still treatable. If you were allowed to continue... well you won't die but you will be unpleasant for people to look at which is worse. There are only two courses of treatment:
   One: You could write a widely recognized and beloved script that elevates you to the artistic elite thus raising your confidence and enabling your brain to force your body to look awesome.
   Two: We can amputate your body, graft your black hooded sweatshirt to your neck, fill it will stuffed animals from the claw machine at the 42nd street Dave and Busters to create the illusion that you are a person, then duct tape it to a rolling chair so people can push you around between computer and TV screens.
LIZZ: Oh! Great. I'll take option one.
DOCTOR: Really? Shit. (Calls offstage) Nurse Johnson, you were right we should have asked her!
LIZZ: Wait... (looks down sees small stuffed banana where hand should be) Did you already....?
DOCTOR: Look it was 50/50 and I went to Harvard so... Anyway, you'll still live a full life and you won't have to go to the gym or eat yucky food anymore.
LIZZ: I won't have to go to the gym?
DOCTOR: In fact, you won't even have to eat! Or sleep. You are basically no longer even human! Showering? Sitting up straight? Waking up early? All things of the past!
LIZZ: Well, why didn't you say so! (Calls offstage) Ricardo! Wheel me to the closest Dave and Busters, I must replenish my torso!