Sports v. Theater

AMERICA: Hey Lizz, we were all going to go do something-- We were thinking either sports or theater. Thoughts? 
LIZZ: Theater. Theater all the way. 
AMERICA: Uh, ok, that was a pretty snap decision. Do you maybe want to think about it? 
LIZZ: Oh, I thought about it. And here’s the thing, both sports games and theater shows can really suck. Sometimes a bad play can suck even more than a sports game. But, on the whole, the intellectual values associated with the creation of art, trying to move forward, trying to create better solutions collaboratively, just have always spoken to me more, felt more inclusive, and more in line with my personal values. And-- I’m not in a bubble-- I grew up in Mid-West and there are TONS of sports fans in Wisconsin. Yes, Milwaukee has a lot of good theater but I was surrounded by sports fans, good decent sports fans who I may not agree with, but who I took the time to understand and see the good in. And although I respect them and I see their points of view, we disagree on a bunch of very key things. Like, ok, for example: unless I reeeealllly seek it out when I look down on the sports fields all I see are men- and when I do see women, it’s in the form of scantily clad cheerleaders. So, in my personal experience, I feel that in theater women are more than just pieces of ass there to inspire the men and also--
AMERICA: Hey, hey gonna stop you. While you were dicking around and posting this shit on Facebook the rest of us decided to go with sports. 
LIZZ: What? No! 
AMERICA: And it’s your fault. 
LIZZ: But I chose theater...
AMERICA: Yah, but you were all about the big Broadway musical and we’re sick of that shit- and as a playwright, you should be too!
LIZZ: No, wait, but it wasn’t just another revival- what I chose was a WORLD PREMIERE! And as a playwright, I support new work! 
AMERICA: Oh really? Then you should have elected to go to that independent show by that edgy theater company all the college kids were into! 
LIZZ: Sure, I looked at that show it looked alright, but honestly, I was really really excited about the Broadway world premiere. I chose it knowing full well that although sometimes big Broadway musicals suck they are usually pretty fucking good because all of the artists who create them have worked in the industry forever and are super qualified and awesome at making shows!
AMERICA: Well, too bad. You have to like sports now. 
LIZZ: But I never liked sports. 
AMERICA: So you hate all sports fans???
LIZZ: I… uh… I don’t like the ones who want throw balls at my face but, you know, otherwise, I agree to disagree...
AMERICA: GIVE SPORTS A CHANCE!!!
LIZZ: NO NO NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR I JUST DON’T LIKE WATCHING SPORTS! 
AMERICA: Wait...hahahahaha. Watching sports? No, no, Lizz, we aren’t watching sports, we are going to PLAY SPORTS. Full contact football. Here’s your cheerleader outfit and helmet-- see you out there, Champ!
LIZZ: What? WHAT? NO! Before this, if sports won I could just watch and be bored and a little annoyed- but now- I have to PLAY? No, no, no! I don’t want this! I’m freaking out!
AMERICA: Again, your fault for liking the shitty Broadway musical. 
LIZZ: I READ THE SCRIPT IT WAS A GOOD SHOW! (crying) Fuck… shit… ok, is there another country where I can go be with theater people? Like Canada or-- what about the U.K.? They have some awesome theater. 
AMERICA: Hahahahaha. The U.K.? Haven't you heard? They chose sports too and they are making everyone play FOOTBALL! But, like, the British slightly less dangerous kind, you know, less concussions than the American shit. 
LIZZ: But what if when I’m on the field people start throwing balls at my vag? Or what if they’re extra aggressive with people I love because they aren’t sports fans? 
AMERICA: YOU LIKE SPORTS NOW!
LIZZ: Can I protest and just choose not to play? 
AMERICA: NO! 
LIZZ: Maybe I can wear this safety pin as a sign of support to show I’m standing with other people that might get tackled or hurt during a game?
AMERICA: NO! THAT IS ALSO LAME AND NOT GOOD!
LIZZ: Fuuuuck.
AMERICA: SPORTS!
LIZZ: Noooo.
AMERICA: KICK OFF IS JANUARY 20TH, 2017!
LIZZ: Help!
AMERICA: WHATEVER YOU DO WE WILL YELL AT YOU! WELCOME TO SPORTS! ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY BALL LIZZ? ARE YOU??? (pause) You know we're talking about the election right? You don't have to actually play football.
LIZZ: Yes.
AMERICA: Just making sure you knew. I wanted to explain it to you in case you didn't understand. 
LIZZ: This is going to suck so much.