Hypothetical Parenting

This morning while grooming myself, I had an imaginary conversation with my imaginary-hypothetical female child.

As most parents probably do, I split myself into Parent Self / Actual Self to allow for self-correction.

It went like this:

CHILD: Mommie, why do you shave your legs?
PARENT SELF: Uh. Well. It's because I'm a tool of the Patriarchy and the Patriarchy likes to infantilize women and also to keep them in a subjugated role by assigning them long grooming rituals in order to affect an unattainable standard of beauty so that they spend more time doing shit to their bodies and less time getting actual shit done. 
Now, notice I said "tool of the Patriarchy" and not "victim of the Patriarchy" because while Mommie likes to write little sketches and talk about social change, she doesn't actually have any intention of affecting social change via real actions. 
You see, I'm so conditioned by our societal view of gender that not only do I actively participate- I truly enjoy these rituals and confusingly think it's my idea and that I do them for me. Even tho my mouth is always, "blah blah blah the Patriarchy" my body is all, "look at my sparkly engagement ring, Sephora rewards card, eye cream wrinkle tone!" 
Now: let me show you how to paint your nails and lips red to symbolize engorged aroused labia whilst the boy children in your grade play with chemistry sets and read books.

ACTUAL SELF: Please, please don't say anything like this. It's very alienating. It's also super weird. Try again.

CHILD: Mommie, why do you shave your legs?
PARENT SELF: Oh, well, I do it because it makes my body more aerodynamic when I'm competing in Olympic swimming events.

ACTUAL SELF: And when she explains your use of humor to deflect connecting with reality to her therapist it'll be a real breakthrough. Do it how you'd do it for real.

CHILD: Mommie, why do you shave your legs?
PARENT SELF: What? I can't hear you ‘cause that box of Popsicles in the freezer be calling our names!
CHILD: Daddy says you can't eat Popsicles at night cause all the sugar will keep you up.
PARENT SELF: ...well, Daddy also says to wash the dishes and not throw your clothes all over the floor... so...
CHILD: Wow, you are just the worst mother ever.
PARENT SELF: Would the worst mother ever just give you twenty dollars?! Because here's twenty dollars!

ACTUAL SELF: Ohmygod: no. I feel like you're not even trying.
PARENT SELF: Arghhhhh. Ok- wait, I got it:

CHILD: Mommie, why do you shave your legs?
PARENT SELF: Because it's sexy, yo! It's called "Pussy Power". It's what the rapper Trina is talking about in the lyrics of her jam "B R Right (ft. Ludacris)" when she’s all, "Pussy power!/We in cunt-troll!”. In fact, let me pull that song up on our futuristic Google virtual reality eyeball implants® so that we can enjoy it together!

ACTUAL SELF: What? No! I don’t understand why you can’t invest in this exercise for one minute. Or is it that your dialogue skills run out on anything beyond dick jokes? 
PARENT SELF: Correction: I mostly make vag jokes. But whatever. Point taken. Fine. This is how it would go. For real.

CHILD: Mommie, why do you shave your legs? Mommie? MOMMIE?!
DAMIAN: Elisabeth Drake Sherlock BBC Awesome-Seahorse Martinez-Leiser! We use our inside voices!
CHILD: But where’s Mommie?! I need to ask her a question…
DAMIAN: Mommie’s out writing with Uncle Ricardo. Why don’t you ask me?
CHILD: (sniffs) Ok. Why does Mommie shave her legs? 
DAMIAN: Huh. I don’t really know… being a human is weird…and the world is a strange place. Sometimes it feels like life is a big cosmic joke and whoever created the universe is just up there laughing at our suffering, but sometimes it’s really good. 
Although, even when it’s good it can still be hard. 
And we live in social communities where we are rewarded for fitting in and doing what’s expected, so if we don’t follow the rules we can stand out. And standing out can be hard. 
When life is already hard, it greases the wheels a little to follow these small social rules. Breaking rules and standing out can absolutely be good in the long-term, but it also can be really difficult in the short-term. 
As your parents, we want your life to be easy and we don’t want to see you struggle, that’s why we teach you society’s rules.
It’s why your mom does what she does and her mom before her: they were protecting their kids by showing them their interpretation of what the world expects.
I think your mom might shave her legs partly because it’s a small thing that she doesn't feel passionate enough about to accept the hardship of breaking the rule. 
And also, sometimes just because it’s a gender rule doesn't mean that it’s always immediately wrong, your mom might actually be on the right side of the gender rainbow by being expected to shave her legs because it feels nice to have smooth legs. 
But ultimately the choice is yours, we encourage you to break any rule you want, and we’ll support you whatever rules you decide to follow, as long as you are thinking about it, and you aren't hurting anyone. Who doesn't deserve it. 
CHILD: Holy snizz, Dad. That is legit good advice. Weird that Mommie had to imagine you saying it to get there… but whatever, I’ll take it. Can I ask you another question?
DAMIAN: Of course. 
CHILD: When you say “Mommie’s out writing with Uncle Ricardo” does that mean “drinking in a bar and talking really loud”? 
DAMIAN: Yes. Yes it does.

ACTUAL SELF: (clutches bridge of nose and sighs hard) You know what? Just go with the first one.