Woman's Travel Kit
LIZZ: Hey, uh, Walgreens Drug Store
WALGREENS: Hey, LL what can I do you for?
LIZZ: So, I just bought a travel kit from you and it had all kinds of normal travel shit in it like shampoo and Kleenex and deodorant and, um, it was called a "Woman's Travel Kit". And I'm genuinely perplexed here because these things were pretty gender neutral...
WALGREENS: Ok...
LIZZ: I just think you're missing an opportunity to sell this kit to, like, all of humanity... And look I could make a bunch of jokes about how the bag itself is female and you prefer to work with female bags because you can pay them a lesser wage OR that there's no point in a Men's Travel Kit because men always look fuckin awesome and don't need hygiene shit to mask the stink of their original sin or Kleenex to remove the make-up from their terrible ugly aging face-bones...but not going to make those kinds of silly jokes because that would imply that I'm outraged. I mean, there are a lot of serious feminist issues that DO outrage me, like how outrageous it is that women are expected to birth babies from their uteruses--
WALGREENS: Not actually a feminist issue.
LIZZ: Still outrageous. Anyway, I'm not outraged. I'm just confused. What makes this a Woman's Travel Kit?
WALGREENS: Ok, first things first: you'd look much prettier if you weren't always running the mouth. Secondly: if you looked a little closer you'd see that we stocked the kit with a TON of fun feminine surprises.
LIZZ: Like what?
WALGREENS: Ok, well...um... Tampons, mascara, stockings that don't rip even when you're rubbing your boot buckles all up on them all day...
LIZZ: Oh. Ok, that stuff sounds cool...
WALGREENS: ...a bra that doesn't give you weird back fat, scented vagina moisturizer, a vagazzler, vagina mascara, mace, the books on tape of 50 Shades of Gray as read by Morgan Freeman, sounds weird, but it's actually incredibly erotic, a Barbie playhouse, a pretty pretty princess ball gown bikini with matching tiara studded heels, an extra phone charger, a large Papa John's Veggie Lovers pizza, AND an iPad loaded with a 20 minute video of Drake staring soulfully into your eyes and at one point one tear comes out because he loves you so much.
LIZZ: Wow. That... that totally answers my question. That's a ton of value for $10. I'm really impressed.
WALGREENS: Thanks. You're really going in enjoy it. That vagazzler is mad useful.
LIZZ: Oh, for sure. One more quick question, I have to ask: what's in the Men's Travel Kit?
WALGREENS: Dick cream.
LIZZ: For real?
WALGREENS: Don't be ridiculous. There's also a catalog full of flat screen TVs and some dental floss.