ALESPERSON: Hi, may I help you?
LIZZ: Yes, I'd like you to scan me in and make a 3-D print of my unclothed body. Then I'd like you to walk around the store and, like, swaddle the 3-D printed version of me in black cotton layers until it's pretty much covered.
LIZZ: Oh man, this Neil Gaiman reading and book signing event is so nerdy it's like Comic-Con and the Renaissance Faire went to a Weird Al concert and then went home and fucked and nine months later..
Read MoreToday I learned a fun piece of New York history!
My gym, the New York Sports Club on 23rd and Park Ave South, was actually built over an ancient Native-American burial ground!
LIZZ: Good Knight!
KNIGHT: Yes, my Queen.
LIZZ: The royal wardrobe grows thin and I wish to ride into town to re-up on my usual adorning items.
INTERVIEWER: Lizz, first of all: what a year it's been, first the Pulitzer, then the Tonys, then the Grammy for your collaboration with Drake. I have to say your musical, "Fuck Absolutely Everything Ever And Suck My Dick" is probably the single finest piece of theater no... it transcends that... the single finest piece of art ever created.
LIZZ: Thank you, that is a very courageous assessment.
SALESPERSON: Hi, can I help you?
SHOPPER: Yah, I'm deciding between the Lizz2.6 and the Lizz3.4
SALESPERSON: Oh, wow: I'd go with the Lizz3.4 for sure. So many features. I mean, you don't even need to set an alarm, she comes with a deep, rich, crushing, anxiety that wakes her up in a cold sweat at least once every hour. Oh! And see this here? That's a new feature that lets her know when to stop drinking, earlier models do not have that. And the best part: the 3.4 looks exactly like the 2.6!